


even children get older (and i'm getting older, too)

by weareinnoir



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fame, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, POV Second Person, Unrequited Love, Years Later, self destructive behavior ahoy, seongwu-focused, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 06:24:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20130808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weareinnoir/pseuds/weareinnoir
Summary: The realization that there's nogetting over thishits you like a meteor.





	even children get older (and i'm getting older, too)

You still remember - or rather, you _can't forget_, try as you might - the boy with the pink hair who rapped and danced to that GOT7 song. You can't forget the desperation in the air - the fact that it was your last chance, but everyone else's last chance, too. You can't forget the worst, most stressful eleven weeks of your life - eleven weeks that were infinitely worse for everyone else, you know, though that doesn't bring you much comfort, either - try as you might.

You can't forget. You'd like to.

You'd really, really like to.

At this point, you're more than used to the consequences of getting what you want.

There's barely room for a cigarette break in your current schedule - you've got a supporting role in a movie and a lead role in a drama to film at the same time, plus songs for both to record. And there's the issue of your second full album - it was _supposed _to be announced a month ago, but, well, the agency's backed-up, as per usual. You have the songs recorded; you practice the choreography for the title track _every single day. _No news of an MV shoot, let alone a release date. It'll be your first musical project post-enlistment, and it's _late. _But so it goes.

By now you're living in a nice house - a _secluded_ house, though the occasional errant fan girl has found out where it is once or twice. You bring girls - well, there's no point lying about it _now, _girls and guys - back all the time, and you've yet to be found out; there have even been a few that lasted more than a few nights, though this current bout of singlehood's lasted a while longer than you're used to. Even so, you're successful. An established celebrity, not a flash in the pan. You have a career you can be proud of.

You can trick yourself, sometimes, into even believing that means you're _happy._

* * *

The group's kind of a mess. It should be balanced, in theory - strong performers and strong visuals - Minhyun must've really known what he was doing when he picked them all out. But they haven't quite gelled the way they should've, and the pressure is palpable.

You've got the choreography down - Minhyun and Jonghyun do too, though Jonghyun has an entire _other _issue in the form of teaching it to Hyunbin and Jaehwan, who aren't good dancers quite _yet_. You've got your singing parts down, too. Daniel's having trouble with that, though Jaehwan's helping, but the poor kid (is he really a kid? You're 22 and he's 21 - that's barely a gap, but you still feel a strange sense of responsibility over him, for reasons you can't quite articulate) has never had any training in singing, and it shows. He's not bad, but he's not confident, either. And that's not even mentioning Hyunbin, who's barely practicing; at least Daniel's working hard.

The group's kind of a mess, and Jonghyun (who most likely is some kind of saint, reborn in the form of a K-pop idol - that's the only way you can rationalize how patient he's being) is at his last straw. It's late. This is the first real performance of your life; it could be the singular thing deciding if you debut or if you don't. You don't have the _right_ to do any less than your best.

"I've never been this tired in my life," you say, out loud, to nobody in particular, between pants, as you slump down against the mirror. It's a unique mix of physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, and just...wishing you were asleep.

You hear Daniel laughing, and you turn around, and your stomach clenches; a laugh burbles up in your throat and you nearly choke on it. 

"Me either," Daniel says, with a charming smile. He offers you a hand. "Hey, hyung, can we go through the choreography again? You're a really good dancer, and you know this song _way _better than I do."

You grab his hand - it's the first time you've touched him, though you won't realize that until much later - and stand up. "Yeah, let's do it from the first verse, right after my first line..."

* * *

You still meet up with everyone. Hell, you still meet up with _Daniel, _though he's probably the busiest out of all of you; Guanlin's primarily working in a completely different country, but you still see him frequently enough. Minhyun is probably your best friend out of everyone, though; you almost don't have to make plans, since you know each other so well.

(There was a time where that best friend was Daniel - but that was a long, long time ago.)

The bar is high-class, but that's not what you like about it; you'd take a dive bar with a C rating from the FDA if it had the same privacy. Even so, it's a bar that treats its regulars well; the maître d' himself takes you to Minhyun, who naturally arrived first. Your wine is already on the table. "About time you showed up," Minhyun says, with a smile. There's a glass of whisky, neat, in his hand; you can tell by his relaxed posture that it's probably his second.

You sit down and take a too-long sip of wine. "I ended up held late on set - this director's a real egomaniac, but that's besides the point," you say, with a shrug. "How are the boys? Jonghyun?"

"He's doing well - you bought his EP, right?"

"Of course I did."

"He'll be happy to hear that," Minhyun says, genuinely. "And yeah, I know the director. Minki worked with him on a drama last year - he really punches the performances out of his actors, from what I hear."

"Today in understatements," you mumble, with another sip of wine. You've loved red wine since the moment you've been old enough to drink... since a little before then, if you're being honest, but that goes against your image. So does the smoking. And the complaining. But that's what you have Minhyun and your cellar for.

"It's gonna be a great role for you, though," Minhyun continues. "Prove your chops here, and there's a project you might be able to get next year - this rookie director, but she went to USC. Ridiculously good stuff, and she's filming her first feature length film in her home country." He sips his whisky. "Though that's not something you're supposed to know."

You're going to need another glass before things _really _get good between you two, so for now, you just smirk. "I'll just let things happen like they happen, I think," you say, with something that almost sounds like confidence, if you don't know what that sounds like.

* * *

You've just performed your heart out. They probably won't hate you. But Daniel - Daniel, you're worried about. That scandal was _idiotic _\- he could've avoided it if he'd thought for _five seconds _\- but you can't fault him for it, either. With how apologetic he's seemed, it's obvious that he's taking things harder than he wants to show for the cameras or for the audience.

You haven't seen him like this before; you're worried.

The walk back to the kiss and cry is fast, but time seems slow; you sit next to Daniel and wait with bated breath, though you're far less concerned with your own score than you most likely should be. Your heart is focused on him, though your mind says that it shouldn't be. 

The scorecard appears. Daniel rests an open hand on your thigh; a shiver runs through your body. You take his hand and squeeze it tight. _It's going to be okay._

He gives you a look - _what's going to happen to me, hyung? _

You nod. _It's all going to be alright. I promise. _You run your thumb over his knuckles as the scores go up, one by one. You can feel a blush dust across your cheeks, and are thankful you can chalk it up to nerves about your ranking, even as you feel your heart pound in your chest.

(When you get back to the dorm that night, you can't even remember how low or how high anyone's ranks are. You fall asleep the second your head hits the pillow, and you dream in pink and blue, but when you wake up in the middle of the night, half-hard and in a cold sweat, you refuse to connect the dots. There isn't room in your life for this now. There might not be ever. And even if you allow that, it's not like he's just about to feel the same way.)

* * *

"So what's their name?"

"Mm?" you ask, at the boy you picked up at a Gangnam club. He's handsome in a rugged way, but it's easy to tell that he's younger than you; you like that look, in your men.

"Whatever guy you're hung up on. Or girl - you're bi, right?" he asks.

"...There's...there isn't one," you reply, shaking your head a little bit too fervently. "I haven't been hung up on somebody in years." _God, _you think. _Am I that obvious?_

"Mhm. Sure," he says. "I can tell your mind's elsewhere, hyung. I'm not offended." He props himself up and smirks. "I just want to know who. I promise I won't tell."

You raise your eyebrows. "How do I know you won't leak this to Dispatch?"

He shrugs. "I'm a struggling idol who just slept with South Korea's hottest actor. They'd probably swing that to make _me _look like the bad guy, if that got out; you have more power here than I do." 

Your stomach twists. This is fucked up, it's so fucked up, and you've had enough to drink that throwing up _definitely _isn't out of the question. "I'm sorry," you say, softly.

He shrugs, again. "It's what it is. And you're a lot nicer than my sponsors - you at least asked how old I was before you took me home." It's meant as a joke - you can tell on his face - but you can't bring yourself to laugh. It hits just a little too close.

You sigh. "...Kang Daniel."

"What?"

"Kang Daniel."

"...He's engaged."

"He is," you agree. 

"Wow. Hung up on a straight guy. I don't blame you for trying to forget him, hyung," the idol says. "But he's... well, I just don't know if you'll be able to."

You wipe your eyes before the tears come. "I don't, either," you admit, though it's not hard; it's been the truth for so long that it's no use pretending it's anything else.

* * *

Sneaking out of the dorm was difficult, but sneaking back _in _is even worse; the fact is, you're tipsy, and Daniel is full-on drunk. You're not sure he's going to be able to remember _anything _tomorrow, though you're _definitely _sure that he drank enough water to at least not be hung over during what's sure to be the biggest finale in survival show history. 

"Ongcheongie," he says, voice slurred, "You know you're the best, right? You're the bestest hyung I could ever ask for."

You giggle in spite of yourself. "Bestest, huh," you reply. You're just in control of yourself enough to not reach out and touch him - to grab his hand, or wrap your arm around his shoulders. But you're just uninhibited enough to want to. "You're a good kid, Daniel. You're gonna debut."

"You think we'll both make it?" he asks, still obviously drunk, but far more serious. "I wanna debut with you. You helped me so much. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you."

"Even if I didn't, you'd be fine," you assure him. You try not to flinch away from the arm he puts around your waist, slowing down your pace considerably. "You're Kang Daniel. If the cats didn't stop you, nothing can."

"But what _if," _he says. He looks at you with admiration in your eyes - and you know it's just admiration. You know it in your mind. Your heart, well, you've been trying to talk to your heart recently, but it doesn't listen. "If you debut and I don't -"

"_Daniel."_

"If you debut and I don't, I'm gonna be your biggest fan forever. Gonna go to your fffansigns and...and everything," he finishes, grinning. He lets go of your waist, and whatever temporarily relief that causes disappears when he grips your hand tightly, intertwining your fingers in his.

The realization that there's no _getting over this _hits you like a meteor.

But you manage to at least smile back. "Let's just leave tomorrow's stuff for tomorrow." You squeeze his hand. _Everything's gonna be okay._

(What happens tomorrow - after so much crying and so many regrets - is that, thanks to some miracle, you debut together. It's the end of the first chapter of your story, and it's a happy one. Maybe things won't be so bad, being in a group with the guy you're hopelessly in love with.

And - to your credit - it's not. It's what happens after that messes you up spectacularly.)

* * *

You aren't able to check your mail until late the next day, after another grueling day on two separate sets. Amidst all the fan mail that your company forwards to your address is a heavy cream colored envelope. You know what it is even before you see who it's from. There's probably a nice suit in your closet somewhere... you wonder what took them so long to _finally _ tie the knot, really. They're so good together; you look at them and it's _obvious _they're in love.

He's never even looked your way. But that's not really the point anymore.

You call your manager. "I just got an invite to Kang Daniel's wedding," you say, when she picks up. "Can we make room in my schedule for it? I'll send you the time and date."

"You really think I'd make you miss your best friend's wedding?" she replies, grinning. "I'll book a fitting for a new suit, too. You're gonna want to look good for the paps. And we might be able to get in a photo op - you and some girl - you know they're _wondering _why you're single, Seongwu?"

"I'm sure they are. I'll text you everything later," you say, and hang up.

You're not okay yet. That much is obvious. You can tell by the way you're so sad that all you can do is laugh.

But there's a good chance that, some day, you will be okay. That you'll have somebody squeezing _your_ hand, telling _you _it's okay - somebody you love as much as Daniel loves Jihyo. It's taken more than a decade. It might just take more time.

Until then, well, you've got plenty of work and plenty of wine to pass the time.

**Author's Note:**

> big love & support to daniel and jihyo - that's all we can do as fans, honestly. (tbh my reaction was to hop out of my seat and yell "it's like jay-z and beyonce!", my mom was confused...anyway!)
> 
> i had a lot more ongniel projects planned but i'm probably not gonna write them for a while yet now...so it goes, i suppose. 
> 
> title from fleetwood mac's landslide. this is pretty dumb and abstract but like...honestly...it was also like, the gut fic i had to write? this is word vomit tbh. so here it is, unbeta'd as always. also??? wtf is the score room thing in the produce series called. i called it the kiss and cry here because that's ice skating terminology but i have no idea, deadass. but i digress.
> 
> [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/noir_fics) | [curiouscat](http://www.curiouscat.me/noir_fics)


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